so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
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