if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize