I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
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