If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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