just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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