Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
