Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
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