I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Randomize
