Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
