Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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