I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
