oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize