you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize
