So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
The feeling are messing with the penis
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
