i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Randomize
