Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Randomize
