i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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