Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
Randomize
