Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
Randomize
