we have officially mastered the walk of shame
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
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