You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
Randomize
