I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
