So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
