Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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