I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
Randomize
