We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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