my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Randomize
