I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
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