I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
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