Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Couch. On fire.
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