what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
