i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
