Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
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