I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
