I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
my sisters under your porch take her home
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
Randomize
