I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
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