Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
