a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Randomize
