Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
I no longer want to be the gay that plays in the revolving door at RelationshipDale's like a seven year old with a.d.d.
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Randomize
