So drunk, too bad you don't want this
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
Randomize
