i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
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