I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Randomize
