I hate all girls vehemently.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
Randomize
