yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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