Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
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