My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
