I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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