You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
Randomize
