I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
