Well i threw up in my mouth a few times. But i successfully swallowed it. Still going strong.
dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
Randomize
