I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Randomize
