i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Randomize
