i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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