That's intense
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Randomize
