I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
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