If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
Randomize
