Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
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