I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
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