Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
