I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Randomize
