remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
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