I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Randomize
