sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Randomize
