hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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