It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
Randomize
